Pitch Black and the Seven Midgets
by Sandy O'Neill
Summary: A slashy, twisted parody of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves... Please R&R!


"Mirror, mirror, in the hall. Who's the hottest man of all?"

"The only one that sets you back, my king, is the man who goes by the name of Pitch Black."

"Well, then, I must have him killed." The King said, with an evil grin on his face. "Andreas, my dear boy. I have a task for you."

"Yes my king." Andreas said subserviently.

"Kill Pitch Black and bring me back his heart!"

"Yes my king."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ It took Andreas no more than three hours to find Pitch Black, but upon seeing him, Andreas realized that the picture King Aybud had given him didn't do this man justice. In fact, for the first time in his short life, nineteen-year-old Andreas found himself attracted to another male.

"Excuse me sir." Andreas interrupted the man watering the grass. "Are you Mr. Pitch Black?"

"Yes. You look thirsty, would you like to come inside for a drink?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Here you go." Pitch said, handing Andreas a glass of lemonade.

Andreas took a big gulp and said. "May I ask why you're called Pitch Black? I mean, your skins lighter than mine."

"Frankly, sir, it's because of my hair."

"But your hair is a soft dirty blonde." Andreas spouted, puzzled.

"I told you sir, it's because of my _hair_." Pitch replied, looking down.

"Oh." Was all Andreas could say before he burst into laughter.

After they finished their lemonade the two men spent an undisclosed amount of time in Pitch's room, after which Andreas found himself unable, or at least unwilling to kill Pitch.

"Look." Andreas said. "The reason I came here, was, to kill you but, I can't. You're much too handsome. I don't know where, but I'm gonna get a heart, and present it to the king as yours. You can't live here anymore, you, must go into hiding."

Pitch laughed. "Seriously now, boy, why did you come here?"

"I _am _serious!" Andreas stated. "You have to leave, _now_!" With that Andreas walked out the door.

At this point, Pitch's fear overwhelmed him, and he began to run. He ran deeper and deeper into the woods, until he passed out from sheer exhaustion.

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On his way back to the castle Andreas noticed a dead bird on the side of the road. Citing the king's sheer stupidity, Andreas cut out its heart. Then rubbed some of the blood on his clothes. The sun descended from the sky as he rode back to the castle…

"Here my king, I have done as you've asked." Andreas said holding out the heart.

"Have you chickened out on me boy?" The king replied. "That is too small to be the heart of a man."

"I assure you my king, I have done no such thing." Andreas explained. "His heart was so small because he was selfish and vain."

Buying Andreas' explanation, the king handed him a sack of gold.

With this Andreas fled the country, never to be seen again.

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When Pitch came to he realized he was lying on the floor. As he stood up he noticed six little beds with names on the headboards; Proud, Greedy, Envious, Angry, Lusty, and Sloth. He noticed another bed, of the same length that was wider, making a seventh, it also had a name on the headboard; Glutton.

'What is this?' Pitch thought to himself. 'Some sort of twisted orphanage?'

Pitch walked down the hallway and into the dining room. He saw seven midgets sitting around a table. They were all, with the exception of one, sweaty, as if they had been working outside. They were all eating out of little bowls of porridge. One, quite obese, had a bowl ten times the size of the others'.

One midget stood up. "Well, I see you've awoken. I found you passed out in the woods. I am Proud. This is Greedy, Envious, Angry, Lusty, Glutton, and Sloth. What is your name?"

"My name, sir, is Pitch Black. Please, tell no one about me, as the king has a ransom on my head."

"Why is your name Pitch Black?" Lusty asked. "When your skin is such a tempting shade of apricot."

"_My _skin should be that color!" Envious chimed in.

"Well." Pitch replied. "It's because of my hair."

"But." Lusty said. "Your hair is a sumptuous dirty blonde."

"I want hair like yours." Envious cut in.

"I told you." Pitch said looking down. "It's because of my _hair_."

At that all the midgets were rolling on the floor with laughter, with the exception of Angry (he _never_ laughed) and Glutton, who was too busy scarfing down his porridge to notice the conversation going on around him.

After recovering from this fit of laughter, Lusty asked. "Can I see it?"

This made the four laughing midgets laugh even harder.

"Stop hitting on everyone in this house." Angry bellowed. "Not to mention those three women who passed by earlier, and their dog."

"He wanted _me_!" Lusty yelled. "You saw what he did to my leg!"

'Yuck!' Pitch thought. 'A dog?'

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"Mirror, mirror, in the hall, _now_ who's the hottest man of all?" King Aybud chanted, holding the tiny heart in his hand.

"The only man hotter than you, my king? Does the name Pitch Black a familiar bell ring?"

"No, you must be lying, stupid mirror hag, my servant, Andreas, brought me the heart of that fag!"

"Your servant, Andreas, that little terd, he brought you, my king, the heart of a bird!"

"No way! No how! Where's Pitch Black living now?"

"If you'd like to know now, where Pitch Black fidgets, you'll find him in the forest, living with seven midgets."

"You can stay here with us if you like." Proud said. "Of course you'll have to help out around the house."

"Yes" Pitch said. "Of course."

So it went, for a month, that Pitch lived with these midgets, cooking all their meals.

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"That is it!" King Aybud said. "I will go into the woods disguised as an old beggar woman, and kill Pitch Black with this poison banana."

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All the midgets were working out back, (with the exception of Sloth of course, who was sitting outside watching the other men work) when Pitch heard a knock at the door.

"Uh, how may I help you." Pitch asked the mannish old woman at the door.

"Please sir, I am a poor old woman, please give me some bread in exchange for this banana." The old woman said, holding out the banana.

"Wait here." Pitch said, going into the kitchen.

"Here you go." Pitch said, handing the old woman the bread.

"Thank you." The old woman said, handing Pitch the banana and taking the bread.

And just like that the old woman vanished into the forest.

Pitch ate the banana and passed out.

"Hey, no fair!" Envious shouted upon finding Pitch passed out on the doorstep. "How come _he_ always gets to pass out?"

"Oh my God!" Sloth chimed in. "He's dead!"

"He's not dead!" Proud stomped. "He's just passed out." Proud took Pitch to lye in the room, and so it was for a week.

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"Father, father, I have returned!"

"Simon, my son, you're back!"

"Yes father." The prince chimed looking around the room and eyeing a picture on the table. "Who is that man?"

"Oh." The king said. "He'll be dead in three days."

"Why father?"

"I have poisoned him."

"No way father, how could you kill such a deliciously sexy young man?"

"My son, don't speak like that! One would think you were a fag!"

"Well father I'm not!" Simon yelled. "But I _am_ gay!"

"I'll have no son of mine practicing sodomy! You _will_ marry!"

"Yes father. I will."

"A woman!"

"NO! NEVER!"

"No son of mine will marry a male! Say you'll be with a woman so that I won't have to do something I don't want to!"

"I could never lie to you father."

"God, forgive me for this." The king let out, drawing his sword.

"No! Father you wouldn't!"

"Please son. Don't make me do this!"

"I cannot lie to you! I _am_ gay!"

"I'm so sorry my son, but I have to do this!" King Aybud said, lifting his sword to his son's neck. "This is your last chance."

"NO!" Simon yelled as basic instinct took over human rationalization, and he stabbed his father in the chest. "Never!"

"How could you…" The king fell to the ground and died.

"Oh, father, no! I didn't mean to…"

Simon, now king, cried the night away by his father's side. A funeral was held the next day, after which Simon realized that in one more day another would die. Swigging the antidote he asked. "Mirror, mirror, cut me some slack. Where lives this man that they call Pitch Black?"

"You'd like to know where this man lives, Pitch Black? He'll be in the forest with seven whose height is in lack."

Simon rode through the forest, and arrived at sunrise. Pounding on the door he yelled. "Let me in! Let me in!"

"What do you want?" Angry yelled, opening the door. "We were still sleeping!"

"I've come to save your friend!" Simon yelled, pushing himself through the doorway. He ran into the room and kneeled by Pitch. Then, lowering his head, prince Simon kissed him. Pitch stirred, then awoke.

"What the… Who…Who are you?"

"Does it matter?" Greedy said as he finished picking Simons' pockets. "He just saved your life!"

"Oh, thank you." Pitch said, kissing the prince.

"You are so handsome." Prince Simon said after the kiss. "I want you to marry me and rule by my side!"

"How can I say no when I owe you my life?" Pitch answered, kissing him again.

And so together they left the house of the midgets, and gave Proud fifty pounds of gold, with which the midgets moved into a mansion, now each having their own room.

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"I'd just like to know one thing." Simon said on the ride back to the castle.

"Yes." Pitch replied.

"Why is your name Pitch Black…"


End file.
